I figured it would be much easier to put them all in one place. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”, “Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”, “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”, “Never have more children than you have car windows.”, “I drink to make other people more interesting.”, “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”, “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”, “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”, “I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”, “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”, “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”, “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”, “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Check out these funny work cartoons. “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician. “The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. Trouble, trouble, trouble. Perhaps yours is watching television.”, “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. I realize I should spend much less time watching the news, and more time laughing. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”, “I have not failed. Women marry men with the hope they will change. There is no cure for curiosity.”, “Never doubt the courage of the French. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard, “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz, “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx, “All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover, “Avoid fruits and nuts. — Sinclair Lewis. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates, “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell. “Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx, “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield, “Folks, I don’t trust children. Funny Work Quotes: Working is that part of your lives, where we learn, we do, we learn a little more and we work a little more too.Earning is definitely one of the most vital parts of working, but in that process we also get the chances to excel what we do, to improve, to get to better opportunities, to create, to develop and to know more about what the world has in store of each one of us. ?? The lesson is ‘never try. “My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Part 3. Then by all means follow that path.” —Ellen DeGeneres. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”, “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”, “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”, “I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. Look at the non-wearing, beautiful You may die of a misprint.”, “Clothes make the man. J. O’Rourke, still a writer, “I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress, “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher, “The difference between fiction and reality? They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert, “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright, “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers, “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra. “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”, “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”, “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”, “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”, “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”, “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”, “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”, “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. 318 quotes from It's Kind of a Funny Story: ‘I didn't want to wake up. Are you cracking up from the funniest quotes of all time? Inspirational, Life, Motivational. Hell Heaven Go. Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. Wisdom Quotes. The almost-never-happeneds. '”, “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. See more ideas about funny quotes, quotes, funny. People are harder. This cup is expensive! Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Being a parent can be difficult, but it can also be pretty entertaining. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.”, “A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”, “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”, “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”, “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”, “The road to success is always under construction.”, “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. I’m beginning to believe it.”, “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. “The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’”. Luis Bunuel. “Laugh it off. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”, “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”, “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”, “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”, “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”, “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”, “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”, “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”, “Crocodiles are easy. But so is thunder and lightning.”, “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”, Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. These dog cartoons will make every dog owner chuckle. Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. “I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about website design.” —Kelly Oxford. 9 If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer. 40 Hilarious Quotes to make you laugh! If you want to laugh, even more, take a look at these funny photos that will crack you up. Then I want to move in with them.”, “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”, “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”, “Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”, “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”, “The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.”, “If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.”, “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”, “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”, “I love being married. Just like everyone else.”, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. You’ll never reach it.”, “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”, “I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.”, “The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.”, “Children today are tyrants. – Melanie White. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”, “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”, “It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”, “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”, “I intend to live forever. Love these hilarious quotes? When not working on KIM, he enjoys traveling, poker, and anything related to crypto. Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”, “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian, “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde, “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director, “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler. Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Sherrilyn Kenyon. Then read up on these inspirational quotes to get you through the morning. “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” —Marcelene Cox, “Nothing inspires cleanliness more than an unexpected guest.” —Radhika Mundra, “The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” —Stephen King, “From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” —Winston Churchill, “Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.” —P.J. If make a purchase through these links, we receive a commission at no extra cost to you. The … Some made me laugh till tears ran—which then made me wonder if they were jokes? 30 Funny Work Quotes Let these funny work quotes add a smile to your day. If you’re enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you’ll also enjoy the funniest movies of all time. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers, “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle, “Do not take life too seriously. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”, “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”, “Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”, “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”, “I hate women because they always know where things are.”, “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”, “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
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